Inside Kimmy’s Mind

“Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay no attention to it and go about your business, you’ll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap.”
– William Bennett

I’m not exactly blind, I just wish I could ignore the things I am looking at. You know I need to consume my time with school. I have things to do. You know? I am a very busy person. I am. -.- You know things used to be so easy. Why can’t l go back to easy?

Because-Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

Well when you put like that. Sigh. I’m annoyed and I’m not really sure why. My chest hurts. It might be heartburn I ate Chinese. Anyway, I like the whole comparing happiness to a cat, because I have two cats and they only come when you don’t want them to. Except for those, when pigs fly moments. Going back to what I was saying I have tons of things to do. And its not like I am behind in school. I have plenty of time, I am just doing things slowly. I mean I think its faster than how I did things last semester. How is it possible to have enough things to do and then not have enough things to do? I mean forget time. Time isn’t really a factor in this problem like it use to be. This post doesn’t really make since does it?

On another note I am currently working on making a video response to littleradge‘s video on youtube entitled Talk to your past. The point of his video is, if you could travel back 10yrs what 10 things would you tell your self. In my case I would be 9, and in…third grade I believe. So yeah, thats a video I’m working on right now. Then I will start working on my video for KimCateKat which is the collaboration videos Cate and Kat and I have started on our own channels. Instead of making a completely different channel that is. I haven’t really thought about my 9yr old self. I mean, my mind is too busy thinking of the more recent past than the 10 years ago past. *My chest hurts still. *I don’t think its heartburn*

So on to the narcissistic part of this entry. I was taking pictures of…myself. Because I usually did that for my myspace. Sorry I’m a camera whore. Its a habit. Even though I no longer have a myspace, there is always facebook pictures. ^_^ Anyway, I took pictures I noticed wow I really don’t have an upper lip. >_< I mean I’ve always known that, but these particular pictures actually pointed it out to me.

I mean it makes me laugh. I don’t have an upper lip. How strange is that? I mean its like when someone asks, hey are my eyebrows even? And even after you answer them no not at all , you can’t help but keep staring at their eyebrows because then they suddenly appear out of place. Maybe that one is just me. Well anyway the point is if they weren’t so self-conscience about the evenness of their eyebrows then I would never notice the oddness of eyebrows in general. lol Wow I should really go to sleep. >_< I mean I have now just pointed out the fact that I have no upper lip. sigh. I should sleep. Goodnight and sorry for this bizarre blog entry. It won’t happen again. This is the product due to my procrastination issue.

The mind is for seeing, the heart is for hearing. -Proverb

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

I had just my history class today. I didn’t really pay attention though. I was thinking about tons of different things. It was weird, I dreaded going to class today because of…him. But when I got into class, my mind just started thinking about other things. Mainly about things I want to do. And things I need/have to do. I already took care of my history quizzes for the week. But during history I took notes as usual, but when she started talking about things off the notes I started doodling like I normally do, yet it was different. I usually just doodle a star in the corner trying to get it exactly even on all five points. (They are never perfect.) But this time I went a little over board. I mean I took notes…I just sort of ignored all the other talking. Now I doodle names and what not, I was deeply inspired by Neil Gaiman. And as you can see. (Notice that his name is written extremely huge.) So yeah that was history class.

I planned on making a skirt today and painting something as well but I got distracted by the movie Nick and Norah’s infinite playlist. Oh and my mom bought the movie REPO! The Genetic Opera. I need to do so many things. I need to write the first page for my six page essay for tomorrow, I need to read my book. And I want to read about a million other books too. Oh and the other night I watched The United States of Tara. It is a really good show. I immediately loved it after the first few minutes of the first episode. I found a new show to take the spot of True Blood. Until the second season starts of course. YAY! I am sleepy. I wish I had more hours in the day to do things. I still need to straighten my hair right now and do the dishes. I’m hungry too. And my feet hurt. lol Bitch Bitch Bitch. Right? I need to stop wasting time and do the things I have to do. I should write a To do list. Here it is. Stuff I need to do followed by stuff I want to do.

1. Write the biography page on Charlaine Harris
2. Straighten my hair.
3. dishes.
4. read Birds of America
5. read Neverwhere
6. read three stories from my Oxford book
7. do the last two times of Quiz 18 even though I made a 90 on it .

1. read Sunshine
2. read Definitely Dead
3. read All together dead
4. paint lots of pictures thanks to Neil Gaiman and Dave Mckean
5. make a video
6. make I don’t know how many skirts

I know it may not seem like a lot of things, but it feels like it. Could you imagine if I had a job? Wow that would suck. I mean I have a lot of things to think about which I guess is good because it takes my mind of things that really suck. Tomorrow is the 22nd of the month. A day that I would normally forget but then remember. It is now a day in the month that I couldn’t forget. It “was” my anniversary. lol I know pathetic to bring it up. It would have been 16 months tomorrow. Gosh how annoying. It is now just a day in every month. Except for December 22nd, which is in fact my cats birthday. But other than that just day. Sigh well there was the lame part of the blog. An entry that began with random notions which lead to my bitching, followed by a little bit of feeling sorry for myself. Sigh Yeah happy reading.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

Catherine Ponder

(This quote really describes how I felt today. But it sucks because I have no control over it. I can’t get rid of this feeling. Sigh Fuck ass.) ~_~

“I lost some time once. It’s always in the last place you look for it.” – Neil Gaiman

This weekend kicked ass. There are exactly no words to describe how awesome this weekend was. So I guess I can only tell you exactly what happened. Ok.

Friday- It started off rocky. And toes were stepped on. So I’m just going to ignore that part. We got to Mija’s apartment around 5-ish. Ignored stomachs caused crankiness. But that was fixed thanks to Mija who bought Chick-Fil-A. After that we proceeded with the rest of the night which involved movies. We watched my new favorite movie Mirror Mask. I am so in love with that film, and its creator Neil Gaiman. ^_^ We watched one of Mija’s favorites. I loved it as well. And then I stayed up and read.

Saturday- Continued on with the rockiness but was thankfully smoothed out later on in the day. Due to unforeseen difficulties we couldn’t go along with the original plan for that day. After, everything was calm we decided to go to Andre’s. Where we enjoyed the most wonderful lunch and dessert. I ordered a chicken grilled sandwich with a salad. Mija ordered a ham sandwich with mushroom soup (so good), Kat got the same. Mom ordered a roast beef sandwich I think with tomato soup. They were the most beautiful sandwiches I have ever seen let alone ate. I don’t remember what my coffee cake was called but it was good. I almost didn’t want to ruin it. But I did.

Saturday still-After we ate we went to Borders. Kat bought a book and mom bought a Korean drama that I don’t remember the name of. She loves her dramas. I wanted another Neil Gaiman book but they didn’t have the one I wanted. So we went to Bookstop which is one of the coolest book stores in the world. Sadly, we heard that they were being shut down soon. I hate that. That was my first time going there and it could be my last. Sucks. Anyway, there I was going to buy either Sunshine by Robing McKinley or Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. (I’m obsessed with him now.) Anyway, I was going to get both but changed my mind and decided to wait until we went to Halfprice Books to see if I could find both books but cheaper. We went there next, sadly they didn’t have the books. So we went to Barnes and Nobles there I found the same books but I also found Mirror Mask on dvd. I had planned on getting Sunshine but at the last minute changed my mind. I got distracted by these cool artist tools. They were hand models:wooden figures of hands. I really want one so bad. They are extremely amazing. We left Barnes and Noble with no movie nor a book. After that we went grocery shopping and went back to the apartment.

Sunday- We woke up late. We got ready and went to the mall. Again I entered a Borders book store this time I was for sure going to buy a book or a movie. At least one. Again I found both books that I wanted and the same movie. However, I could only get one. After much consideration I decided on the book Sunshine. Finally right? We continued to walk around the mall. We ate lunch a a Chinese wok. Walked it off. Found the cutest dress at a reasonably cheap price. However, I could not purchase it because their credit card/ check machine was broken. Cruel store. After that we proceeded to the Disney Store. Yay Disney! Now, I am a big fan of Beauty and the Beast. I just love Belle. And the next events that partook in the Disney store were later compared to that of a vulture circling its prey. lol I will not explain this part. Just know that my mom does possess Jedi mind powers. *KICK ASS* After leaving the Disney store, we left the mall and found ourselves at Best Buy. Mija wanted a wireless internet thingie. We found it but decided to buy it at Walmart for less. But before that we went to yes yet another Borders. There I found Mirror Mask on dvd yet again. Mom was going to buy it but I changed my mind again and told her I could wait for it. From Borders we went to Walmart and then back to the apartment.

This wasn’t even the entire weekend just the gist of it. I had a lot of fun (I mean I always have fun at Mija’s apartment) I am just so inspired right now. I have held the same movies and books this entire weekend. And all from different stores. My mom and sister possess Jedi powers and I have to do my history homework and read the short stories for English. Sigh back to reality once again. It was a great weekend though.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”- Neil Gaiman

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Don’t get hung up on a snag in the stream, my dear. Snags alone are not so dangerous—it’s the debris that clings to them that makes the trouble. Pull yourself loose and go on. – Anne Shannon Monroe

PART ONE: I dont miss him, I miss who I thought he was. *You might want to skip all of part one its just me thinking.*

I know I said I wouldn’t mention it anymore yet here I am mentioning it again. For the 100th time. And I think this is part of me getting over it. But its strange because its not that I want to get back together with him. I mean not after all that has happened. And the more I think about what happened between us makes me angry. So would I rather be angry compared to sad? I’m not quite sure. I mean the more I think about why I was dumped, just makes me furious. I was too comfortable for him, he wanted to date other people. In other words he was just tired of me. I mean he compared dating to trying on shoes. I mean yes people date lots of different people. And dating isn’t a slutty thing to do. But he sounded like a typical guy. Wanting more than one girl. Like one isn’t enough. Like, I was too comfortable of a shoe for him. (since he compared dating to shoes) So I am a nice pair of classic chucks: durable, comfortable. (BUT NOT APPROPRIATE IN WET WEATHER.) So is he constantly in a rainy place? What does he want stilettos? Pretty, yet uncomfortable…..more like complicated does he think they are more suitable in his rainy weather of a life? I mean is that what he wants a complicated girlfriend? I mean I wouldn’t date someone just because they were comfortable. I would be with someone because I love him. Because he makes the butterflies appear in my stomach and makes my heart leap. Plus doesn’t it mean when you are truly comfortable with someone thats when your relationship reaches the perfect place? Like I was happy with him up to a point. I guess on some level I felt him pulling away. I guess it was just pinching at him. I mean I was happy. I just wanted to see him more. I barely saw him. He just made things worse by saying we should “try” on different shoes. I mean come on really? Couldn’t you have the balls to tell me that? Sigh. How annoying. I trusted him. With everything. And he let everything fall to pieces. And now I am stuck with all the sweet memories that I can’t forget. And its sort of unfair. I know I said I wouldn’t regret dating him, but I sometimes do, but only if it means all the things that are hurting me now would vanish. I know thats bad to say. It’s just annoying. If only he could have been real with me. Because I was me with him.

PART TWO: MOVIES AND SUCH.

I just recently purchased the movie The Dark Crystal. Now ever since I was a child I have been in love with this movie and the main character Jen. Yes I knew he was a puppet. But that didn’t stop me. >_< Yes I was a sad child. Anyway I forgot how much I love that movie. Jim Henson does the voice for the Gelfling Jen. He was awesome with voices. Jim Henson also produced the movie Mirror Mask, I think? The movie was based on the book by Neil Gaiman. The cool thing is that Neil Gaiman also wrote the screen play for the movie. The movie was fucking brilliant. I really want to read the book now. I’m reading another book by Gaiman called Neverwhere. It’s for my Sicfi class. But now I wish I could read Mirror mask instead. I’m still going to read it though. And ask if I could sub. it for one of the other books. This totally inspired me. The movie was so beautiful. Neil Gaiman also wrote the book Stardust. Which was also made into a movie. That had a nice story line as well. This Neil sure is creative. I think I found a new hero author. I mean there are practically no words for how much I loved this movie. I mean I’m assuming the book is 10 times better than the movie. Well I’m hoping it is. On another note, not having a myspace is weird yet oddly refreshing. I’m glad I deleted it. And I don’t intend to ever get one again.

We often confuse what we wish for with what is.- Mirror Mask

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Today was weird.

Ironically, I was able to concentrate in History class today. Even though he is in there. That means it is getting easier for me. I was offered a ride home by different people.

My ex’s dad. Yeah like I am gonna want to drive home with my ex boyfriend who avoids me like the plague. I started walking home by this time because my sweet mom was taking forever. But I do live close so its ok. My second cousin? Ethan offered. It was creepy because a car drove on the side of the road, but then I saw that it was him. He is so nice. I said no because I was almost home anyway.lol I wish I had a car. >_< I don’t get hit on a lot, but now that it is ok to look at other guys I still feel like I’m not supposed to. I forget that I am now single and its ok to look. It will take me awhile but I think I will get the hang of flirting and dating again. lol

Aren’t they cute? They have sour candy in them. I totally want one. But I went to Hastings to buy books for school. I could only find two that I needed. Four more to go, I think I can find them at the school store and hopefully at a cheaper price. My days are getting normal again, I’m not exactly my normal happy self but hey I’m a negative person to begin with. I must think positive. You know I still find the oddest things remind me of him. It sucks. Because I can’t forget them. Yeah I know better to love and lost than to have never love at all. Is that how the saying goes? I heard another saying somewhere, how does it go? “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.” Yeah. I mean if I remember all the sweet times we had together, he does too right? I mean he was never great at speaking his mind and expressing himself. But he could always say I love you. And I thats something I don’t want to forget. No matter how sad and hard it is.

The me that is doing good is always around. Compare to the me that is reminiscing.

I am deleting my myspace by the end of the week, I think it will solve a lot of my problems.

So…school. There are about a million things wrong with it. My ex is in my history class. Now I knew I might run into him in the hallways. But, its a nice size campus so I thought it would be big enough for the both of us. But a classroom? Not so much. I could have sworn I told him when I had classes, so if he got the same class as me on purpose that pretty much sucks. He saw me before I saw him, and he avoided me. Which nah duh that is understandable. But that somehow made it hurt much more. How am I supposed to get over him if I see him during that class. Now granted, I don’t have to look at him or speak to him or have anything to do with him. But he is there. He broke up with me before we did class schedules together. Yet here we are in the same history class every Monday and Wednesday at 2:15. To me it feels like he is purposefully doing this so it is impossible for me to move on. Now I don’t know why I am thinking of it that way. Because he wasn’t this kind of person while we were dating. He was nice and a good boyfriend. Maybe subconsciously I think making him out to be the villain will make things easier for me. But I guess that isn’t really my subconscious. I know he is hurting too even though it was him who wanted to date other people. But I am standing my ground and not changing my schedule. My science fiction/fantasy class seems like it will be fun. The teacher is really cool and I love writing and reading so it should be ok. But there are a lot of books I have to read and in a short amount of time but I believe I can do it. Tomorrow I have English at 12:30 and then math at 5. I’m not exactly looking forward to that but hey I have no choice. I promise I will try to update with a less boring entry next time.

School should take my mind off things not keep it on them sigh.

Life so far sucks. It does.

I’m about to break emotionally. If something else bad happens I’m not sure if I can take it. To start off this year my relationship ended. Yeah. I am apparently too comfortable of a “shoe.” And he wanted to date other people. He isn’t a horrible person, he is just horrible at expressing himself, and can’t word things right. But I guess there is no right way of breaking up with someone. And there is no way to avoid the heartache and tears. But hey hearts mend right? Anyway I get a call from BC. Um Yeah I updated a bulletin about this already but I have to mention it here too. The watercolor class I was looking forward to and was so excited about was CANCELED. Yes canceled. Not enough people. I hate my life. I mean I’m not suicidal or anything so don’t freak out. I’m just in a rut of depression at the moment. I’m hoping something will make it suck less. Heres hoping. So instead of the watercolor class I desperately wanted/needed. I have some Lit. class. It meets only on Mondays at 6pm to 9. Sigh Fuck ass!

My friends have been awesome. Hear that friends? Your FUCKING AWESOME! Missy you rock! You have no idea what a relief you have been for me. Thank you so much for helping me with things and I love you! Mija thanks for getting CH’s autograph you are the best. I’m hanging out with Cate tomorrow. Yay! Then Friday I’m hanging out with Hyun and visiting Mrs. Middleton. We have been trying to do that all week. So hopefully Friday we can. Then Saturday is my mom’s birthday so we are gonna go to the movies maybe. Then next week classes start. tsk. Which sucks

Sorry for the emo entry. I am just not a happy person at the moment. I’m sure I will bounce back. Just need to get over things.

2009!

Another year went by. Weird right? Its strange because when I was little I used to think I wonder how it will be when I am in high school? And I am already starting my second semester of college on the 12th. Its so weird (not to be cliché or anything) how time just flew by. I mean we have calendars and watches to keep track of time. Yet it always zooms by without anyone actually realizing it. I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last week. Which might explain this entry. Anyway in my opinion it was OK. I was curious (no pun intended) about it. There are just a lot of things that they should never have put in the movie. So yeah. My mom and sister Mija hated it and thought it was a waste of time and money. I mean I am glad I saw it. I was curious remember. Damn trailers.

I am in love with my sewing machine. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to learn how to use it, but I have. I taught myself how to sew on a zipper, which wasn’t easy. My first attempt was ok, but my third was perfect. I made my mom a coin purse. But the best part about it is that I made it with Beatles fabric. Its a revelation so I’m told. lol. I found it at Walmart. I was so excited and had to buy it. Isn’t it awesome? I really like these pictures of them too.

I was going to spend this coming week with Mija, but due to school related stuff I am unable to go. I will also miss meeting Charlaine Harris. She is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse mystery novels which is what the HBO show True Blood was based on. She was having an autograph session near my sisters apartment. I was going to meet her but now I can’t. It sucks. I was looking forward to it. Hopefully I will get another chance to meet her. T_T Anyway that really put a damper on my last week off. I was going to have an awesome week with my sister. But thats ok I might get to hang out with my Korean brother Hyun. He is coming home tomorrow. Plus I might hang out with Cate or Missy as well. I haven’t spent anytime with my friends and I miss them. I hope classes go smoothly, and cause as little stress as possible. But…and not to sound negative here, I have a feeling I’m going to be extremely stressed out this semester.

Just not with classes. Sigh. >_< I hope I’m wrong.

www.charlaineharris.com/biography.html