Time Machine
That moment where you rather redo a moment to prevent from hurting someone than pretend as if everything is alright. If only time travel were possible in this case. Sadly, it’s not.
I am not ready to be in a relationship…with anyone at the moment. And for some reason I keep putting myself in such difficult positions that end up hurting people I really care about. Why? Why do I do this? Does the universe find this hilarious? So what if I went through high school unscathed by the cruel ridiculous notions of teen drama. I had hope that my early adult life would go the same way, without unwanted drama. But that’s not going to happen.
I feel like such a horrible human being to have hurt a person that has been there for me. I want him to know that he is important to me, that I do care about him but I can’t be more when I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to have such strong feelings for another person again after my last relationship. Being single is something I need right now and no amount of complimenting or hand holding will change that. I can’t be selfish just because I don’t want to lose this person. It isn’t right, and he’s hoping that my feelings will change. But that’s not how moving on works. You can’t emotionally or physically move on when your heart isn’t in it. I told someone I loved him and I meant it. I can’t use those words again so soon.
In the last seven months I’ve been told, by three different guys, “I’m willing to wait for you.” Whoever thought these words were admirable was sadly mistaken. These not only make a person feel like shit but also put a huge amount of pressure on them. Waiting for someone is unfair to you and to them. You should never wait for someone who can’t return your feelings. You are creating this bubble that you think will just morph and mold that person’s feelings into what you want. But again that’s not how it works. I tried ignoring this horrible gut feeling, yet this person is just too amazing and he will only invest more of his feelings into a relationship that may or may not happen. It’s not a chance I’m willing to take and no matter what, I still hurt him in the end. So I gave him the choice to either return to being my friend, because that’s all I can offer, or to stop talking to me so he can move on. I don’t see any other choices and it hurts me to think of losing him as a friend. I’m happy to report that he has chosen to remain my friend, but I’m afraid he will eventually just pull away. It will probably start off with us seeing less of each other and then texting less. I’m just sad to lose such an amazing person in my life.
Song of the day was shared by him.. Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris Ft. Florence Welch.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Robin Said:
on February 12, 2013 at 8:42 am
I hope this doesn’t sound offensive, but I think that anyone who is worth dating will respect your current feelings. As you basically wrote, the “I’m willing to wait” puts pressure on you and shows that they are expecting you to have feelings for them in the future. I am sure they are all nice guys, and you are the one who knows them, but they don’t seem to be considering the possibility that you might not feel that way about them when you are ready to date again.
kim Said:
on February 12, 2013 at 9:27 am
@Robin, Exactly. I can’t promise them anything, so why wait for me? Relationships are even hard even when I’m not in one. :/
Thanks for commenting, it’s always appreciated. 🙂
Kristen Said:
on February 13, 2013 at 9:28 pm
I’m really sorry this is happening… again. Don’t beat yourself up over this, though. In my opinion, you’re doing the right thing. And that’s all you can do. You just can’t give your 100% to a relationship that you weren’t ready for in the first place. And if you go ahead and enter into the relationship anyway, you’re setting him and yourself up for a load of heartbreak. I hope that his expectations soon lower to a more realistic level, and I hope he remains your friend when that happens. Good luck, girl.
kim Said:
on February 15, 2013 at 5:29 pm
@Kristen,
Yeah, I was surprised that it was happening yet again. Only this time it was a close friend. He would definitely deserve 100% and I can’t offer him that. So I know it’s better to just be upfront about it right now. I hope we stay friends, but if it gets too hard for him, I know he will end up pulling away.
Thanks for the advice. 🙂
Inside Kimmy's Mind » Must be Something in the Water: Past, Present and Future Said:
on March 1, 2013 at 6:06 pm
[…] noticed, but recently I have been…well the opposite of invisible. Now, I am still standing by my whole wanting to remain single for awhile. But for some reason I must have a sign above my head […]