I feel like I am stuck. Yet time just keeps moving on. It’s going by incredibly too fast for me to even catch up.Why has time changed?

Movie Spoilers

I watched the movie Veronika Decides to Die, (**based on the novel by Paul Coelho)and it made me think of happiness and sorrow and then death. The character Veronika is played by Sarah Michelle Gellar and she is unhappy with her life. So she tries to commit suicide. She wakes up in a mental institution, and is told that she has weakened her heart and that there is no surgery or treatment that can save her. They aren’t able to pinpoint her death exactly, but its likely that it she has only a matter of weeks. She is immediately angered by the fact that she has succeeded in killing herself only she must wait to actually die. She questions the shrinks, asking them why not just kill her now? They will have no part in aiding in her death. She remains stubborn throughout her stay at the institute. Determined to die on her own terms. She fails at bringing her life to an earlier grave. She as no will to live. Yet she has no interest in making the best of the time she has left.

If I was told I would die in a matter of weeks, what would I feel? What would I do? Would I give up? I see myself as a weak person at times. And part of me thinks I would just wallow in self pity imagining all the things I have yet to accomplish or fail at. Imagining instead of actually doing those things. Death is a scary thought to me. I know death is inevitable for us all. But its more dying too soon that I worry about. Dying before I have actually had a chance to live. I’ve already been alive for 20 years. That’s two decades of being on this planet and I have yet to experience life.

“These days most people have replaced almost all their emotions with fear, and everyone has dreams but only a few realize them – makes cowards of the rest of us.”-Coelho

Gellar’s character lost the will to live, as so many of us do. But she finds it. Along with romance. I think when you are in love, you feel like you matter. I mean of course you matter to your friends and family. But the romantic love you’ll share with one other person is completely different. And once she found this feeling, she doesn’t want to let it go. A line from the movie trailer,” It wasn’t until she decided to die, that Veronika found a reason to live.” To actually live life to its fullest. Of course after she finally finds that one thing that made her want to continue living which turned out to be a person, the fact that she only has limited time to spend with her new found happiness makes you sad yet happy she even found it to begin with. (I ruin movie endings so stop reading if you don’t want to know the ending.)

But this movie ends on a happy note. It ends with the doctor writing in his journal explaining that if Veronika never visits another doctor, who would tell her that she is completely healthy. She would continue living her life and cherishing each moment she has. I think everyone should live their life like that though. And not because time is running out. But because its how life should be enjoyed. Not waiting in fear for the inevitable.

** Paul Coelho vlogs and blogs. How freaking amazing is that? I love it when I find an author whose work inspires me. I love books. And I actually liked this film adaption of the novel, but I haven’t read the novel yet so I might think differently once I do read it.

Song for today- Amy Kuney: Simple Things

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One last thing the collaboration art blog that I’m starting with my sisters is up. Mija made the layout I absolutely love it. We haven’t updated with anything yet. But I’m so excited to start this project with my sisters. Ok well I think its time I go to sleep.

Goodnight/Morning

TUESDAY!

I got to spend the entire day with Missy. She went with me to the student show, and then we went out to eat with my mom. She is so wonderful. Then Missy, Kat and I went to watch Kick-Ass. Such a good movie, Hit Girl was so freaking awesome. She should have been the main role because she made the movie amazing. Anyway, so hanging out with Missy was wonderful as always.

On Thursday my art class went to an art museum. I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures and I didn’t even take any outside or anything. Man I’m lazy. Oh and Missy met up with my class at the museum with her parents. I was so happy I thought I wasn’t going to see her because I made plans with my sister to pick me up after the museum. She had to go back to work so I went with her and then afterward she took me to Aka. It was sooooooo delicious. We ate California roll and black peppered beef cut sashimi style. And then we ate gyoza but I totally forgot to take a picture of that. And then we ordered a plate of teriyaki beef.  The portions were small but the perfect size. We also ordered a bowl of white rice which was perfect because if its your first time trying raw beef you want to eat it with rice so it can act as a shield when its in your mouth. Does that make sense? But it also compliments the beef. I can’t get over how good it was. I love sushi. After sushi we went back to her apartment and I fell asleep. Then she so kindly woke me up, even though I was extremely tired, to go over Jody’s house to play Left 4 Dead 2. Then they showed me Little Big Planet. So fucking cute. I am totally going to make my own little sack person. I just need to find the right fabric.

Bulletproof by La Roux (I find her oddly attractive)

And the next song is from a Little Big Planet level. My Patch by Jim Noir (Such a cute song) 

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SUCCESS! I finally got the ipod clone to work again on my R4. Man I am such a loser.

Random thought

I am sitting on my bed staring at the pile of clean laundry I have yet to put away. I usually put it away right after its washed. I mean its only been a day but still…why haven’t I put them away. My room is incredibly cluttered. I hide my clutter in cabinets and drawers. And don’t even get me started on the monster under my bed. (Fred) And I just put it out of my mind. I should really do some spring cleaning.

(stopped typing to put away laundry. >.< )

So I got my R4 for my DS last week. And I am addicted. I haven’t even finished playing a game yet, I think I’m just high on downloading apps for it.

I downloaded the ipod clone for it and it worked fine last week, but now it doesn’t. I must have deleted a file on the R4 that I needed. Not exactly sure what happened, but I will figure it out..eventually. I mean its frustrating when it doesn’t work but as long as the games work I am happy. I just need to organize it. -.- God I am such a nerd, playing with my DS instead of hanging out with friends. Speaking of friends, Missy is home! I get to see her on Monday. I’ve missed her so much and I am in desperate need for some Missy time. Hear that Missy? Tell everyone else to back the fuck off. jk But no seriously. -.-

So the other day Mija brought her boyfriend home to meet our parents. I was only awake for the dinner portion. After eating I went up stairs and fell asleep playing DS. I vaguely remember Mija coming into my room and talking/messing with me. I think I answered back not really sure. I do remember her telling me that dad was playing medal of honor with Jody. God that is funny. This is the first time my sister has brought home a serious boyfriend, so it was different. But we joked and laughed with him so in my opinion things went well. And I think my parents liked him, I mean I like the guy ok. He owns a ps3 now which earns him some definite like points. So yeah I slept the entire day away the other day from 3:30 to 2:30 am. (oh sorry for not saying good bye Mija) Not good. But I’ve been up since then so I’m sure I will go to sleep early tonight. Probably. -.-  Yeah who am I kidding, I’ll be up late as usual. Awww damn I have a math test tomorrow. Sucks. Need to do those 1o point flash cards. I should do them now since I am up. Right. Anyway, I also need to start on my next painting project. I think this is the last one for the semester. Makes me sad. I must paint some form of literature. Meaning a song, poem, book. What to do? I’ve already painted a song so its between the other two. I have no idea what to paint. sigh.

So Mija wants to start a collab art blog with Kat and myself. Basically it will be a place where we post the things we create (nothing about our personal lives.) Mija with her graphics, Kat with things she bakes, me? I make a bunch of different things paintings and stuff I sew. So yeah I’m looking forward to starting this. Oh yeah, Mija showed me Dr. Horrible’s sing along blog. I love Neil Patrick Harris, he is so adorable so is Felicia Day. And after watching that, I watched The Guild. I don’t even play role playing games like WOW and I still find this web series funny.

In art, our assignment is to recreate a Greek myth in our own way. I immediately thought about Persephone.

Part one: Art and Myths

Ever since I read about it in the 9th grade I’ve never forgotten it. Persephone, daughter of Demeter(Goddess of Harvest), was abducted by Hades because of her beauty.He dragged her to hell to be his queen which angered and devastated Demeter. The earth became dead, and so Zeus demanded Hades to return Persephone to her mother, but it was already too late Hades had given her a number of pomegranate seeds. This traps Persephone in the underworld. During the fall and winter Persephone remains with Hades as the Queen of The Underworld. During spring and summer she returns to her mother. This was said to be the reasons of the seasons. I don’t know why why I liked this myth it was just the first one to pop into my mind when we were given this assignment. But after watching the new episode of Bones I’ve found a new myth that I might like to work on. Its Plato’s theory on soul mates. According to him, humans were actually beings with four legs, four arms and a head with two faces. “Zeus felt threatened by their power and split them in two, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.”After this project our next one is to paint our favorite book. This one will be a tough one for me, since I love so many different books.Today’s song is a cover by The Bird and The Bee-Into Something Good

I’ll try to update more during this month. I haven’t been updating as much as I usually do and its time to put a stop to that. I hope my sister Mija is having a wonderful time in New Orleans. Be safe.

It is impossible for me to “live a little.” I mean what does that even mean really? I am living.

Ok so I’m not exactly living an exciting life. Let me rephrase that. I am not exactly living an exciting SOCIAL life. But life in general is pretty awesome. So I don’t party on the weekends with a bunch of friends. I mean since graduating, I have only a few friends that I still talk to on a day to day basis. I mean excluding my sisters, because well it would be sad if they didn’t talk to me. (Speaking of sisters: Mija hasn’t talked to me in like a week? -.- If I’m not mistaken. Much love. )

PEOPLE I TALK TO THE MOST

1. Missy-Because she is my amazing wife.
2. Jayson- I love getting txts and calls from him. His voice mails make me laugh.

There are a few others that I talk to every now and then. But its not as much as these three. But anyway, just cause I don’t ever do anything out of my comfort zone doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with my life. I mean once in awhile I wish I could just be spontaneous and just go with the flow. Not worry about the consequences and just live in the moment. But I’ve lived my life a certain way, the same way for the past 20 yrs. How can you change something you’ve done for your whole life? And we are talking about me so that’s even harder to do than for a normal person. Because lets face it, I am not normal. I wish I could do what I wanted. I want to go on a road trip with friends. I want to move out of my parents house. I want to just feel like I’m moving forward and not settling or staying stuck. I want to live a life not just coast on by.

Nataly Dawn-Cover OK GO:Do what you want

I love Nataly Dawn, she is so talented. I love the versions of songs she does compared to the originals. She is also in Pomplamoose a duo with Zack Conte. I love them both they just make me smile. And their editing skills are just so amazing along with their musical skills. Damn I love their videos.

Some self loving is in order. I visited my sister during spring break, and she took us to Buffalo Exchange and Taxi Taxi. (I love those stores) Anyway I bought the blue shirt I’m wearing in this picture below. I love it! See I like how I look sometimes. And I think I dress nice, even if I have a lot of unnecessary layers. But oh well its a security thing. I also got the most amazing bag by Fred Perry. I love these bags, I think they are so cute. Mija said they were ugly but I don’t.

I need to blog more, its sad that I have been neglecting you blog. Oh but I posted a vlog last week.

Things change. Life moves on, the earth doesn’t stop spinning because something out of the ordinary happens.

I have absolutely no idea what started this entry. It was a draft from the 27th of last month. Which reminds me I didn’t update nearly as much as I usually do. What is wrong with me? I haven’t even made a vlog in an even a longer time. Gahhh >.< I don’t know why I haven’t updated things? I spend ALLLLL of my time on my laptop and the internet; you would think I could squeeze in some blogging and vlogging in between my busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing. -.-

SPRING BREAK

May the sleeping commence.

I just took my third Psychology test. I really need to come up with a better study schedule, because this cramming before a test is just not cutting it anymore. -.- If you are a person that has horrible studying habits then online classes are NOT for you! And for my online class no notes are allowed when you take a test. So cramming is a very stupid thing to do. Yet I continue to do it. sigh.  When I transfer I’m not gonna be able to just cram and be lazy like I am now. I hope I’ll be able to snap out of my laziness.

I still can’t believe that I haven’t updated my blog in awhile this must come to an end.

Now I know Valentines is the day couples celebrate their relationship and express their love for one another. A horrible time for those of us without a significant other. WRONG! Not this year. Gala Darling

It is completely and 100% OK that I am not in a romantic relationship at this time. I’m not a typical girl so even if I was in a relationship, simple from the heart gestures are whats best. A home made card for instance, is just one of the best gifts. That or a notebook of some sort, because I can never have too many journals.  Anyway, here are bits of the assignments Gala assigned. I only put some of the questions on here the rest are in my bible. But you know what is driving me crazy? The fact that whenever I tweet about Radical self love using the hashtag #radicalselflove I do NOT show up in the #radicalselflove tweet page. Its rather frustrating. I’m not sure why my account isn’t working and the twitter people aren’t exactly helping me with the problem. >_< I wish they would just fix it. Be calm. And just let it go Kim. :3 On to some of the questions.

RADICAL SELF-LOVE Q’S

What does RADICAL SELF LOVE mean to you? I think that its an opportunity for me to see myself differently. Not just be so consumed with worrying about the negative side of things. I have tons of things to be positive about, and I should focus on those things more often. I spend too much time focusing on the things that I dislike about myself. RADICAL SELF-LOVE is just a positive project that I look forward to doing, even after the month is over.

Which qualities or attributes would you like to bring into your own life via the application of RADICAL SELF LOVE? I want to be more positive. I want to wake up and feel like I can do anything and everything. I’m not saying I don’t have anything to look forward to, because I do. I just want to be able to wake up and not pin point all my faults. I want to be able to look on the brighter side of things after something terrible happens. Angry out bursts don’t exactly solve my problems so why not just see the silver lining? I want to be able to do that. I am incredibly lucky, I love being me on the inside and I have great friends and a terrific family. I just want to be able to keep that in mind.

What beliefs do you currently hold that are stifling your regular expression of RADICAL SELF LOVE? Self doubt. I doubt myself way too much.  Which leads to the next question.

Are the people & activities in your life HELPING or HINDERING you in your quest for RADICAL SELF LOVE? Would you be better off without them? The only person hindering me from RADICAL SELF LOVE  is myself. I am surrounded by people that are just so caring and supportive. When someone compliments me I really have no idea what to say. I mean of course I say thank you. But if they keep on complimenting I feel like I need to express my opinion. Which is exactly the opposite of what they are telling me. It’s that I want to just keep hearing their kind words as if I were fishing for compliments. I just don’t see myself as they do.

Which brings me to the essay question. Wow this question transitions into the next one as well.

Essay Question: Why do you treat your best friend better than you treat yourself? I can see all the things my BF can’t see about herself. She is truly one of the most beautiful and amazing people I have ever met. I think its sort of like wearing a blind fold when it comes to ourselves. We can’t see the things that make us great, but when it comes to others the blind fold slips and we can see perfectly. We find, what our friends see as flaws as just something else to love about them. If only we could see ourselves in the same light.

In what ways can you behave more like you’re your own best friend? I would never be able to be as amazing and selfless as she is. But the best way for me to be more like her is to be more understanding and less judgmental. She never judges me. She accepts me and loves me for who I am as a person. And she sees me the same way I see her. A wonderful person.  I’m so glad that I have her as a best friend she makes my day brighter.

Everyone has their issues with themselves, whether is appearance or personality wise.

The point is that instead of focusing on what makes us unique and amazing we spend our time wishing we could change what we dislike about ourselves. Well I am no different. I complain and put myself down all the time. But I should look at what I like about myself some times. Because I am happy being me, I just need to…work on a few things.

GalaDarling has declared this Radical Self-Love month. And I will attempt in following through with the project as well. I’ve already completed the first two assignments, one was to find a note book of some sort to jot down ideas and future assignments. And I’ve found a totem to remind me of this project throughout my day. It was supposed to be something I see often, so I’ve chosen the phone strap given to me by my friend Cate. Its in the shape of a heart and I stare at it all the time so it seemed fitting. I also have this necklace that I wear all the time to replace one that I no longer wear. So this one will also be a reminder of the project since I wear it all the time.

Mantra: I will attempt to see myself in a brighter light. There is no reason to hate myself because I contain flaws. I will not focus on my flaws for the rest of the month and hope it carries on even after this project ends. So may the self-love project commence.

So yeah this probably what I will put on the first page of of my note book.

My main totem.

Sneezing.Stuffy nose. Sore throat.

These are my symptoms. No fever. But when I get too cold and decide to turn the fan off I get too hot. So if its the chills then I guess I have that as well. I constantly need a tissue in my hand, and let me tell you without being too graphic. Its not pretty. I stayed up late painting my next art project. I’m sort of happy with it, but I’m also sort of stuck. For this project we are supposed to paint a portrait of someone we either extremely love or hate beyond reason. I couldn’t choose between Neil Gaiman and Dave Mckean. So I’ve decided to paint both. I watched the movie Mirror Mask for inspiration. One of my favorite movies.

My cat was just attacked by two dogs. I’m like freaking out. What if he is bleeding to death? Dying alone? I can’t handle that. He was supposed to die of old age, he is my first cat. I can’t go out and look for him no matter how much I want to. He will come right? I know I shouldn’t hate the dogs that attacked him, my anger should be directed at the dumb ass pet owners that don’t know how to keep their stupid fucking demon monster dogs locked him. Sigh. Just please let my cat be ok. Kozi wasn’t attacked he bolted over the fence so fast I hope he is ok.

I’m no longer in the mood to blog.