Inside Kimmy's Mind

“Creativity is not the finding of a thing, but the making something out of it after it is found.” – James Russell Lowell

Part one: All because of a quote, this is what happens when I stay up all hours of the night thinking and have little sleep. Oh my poor brain.

I have come to the conclusion that I have lost something. Its not a for sure feeling. Just an odd one. The something in question is:

Creativity.

How does one acquire creativity? I mean can it be learned/taught? Or is it something you either have or don’t have? Can it be found or lost? I seem to have lost track of mine. I love to paint, draw, write, make videos and sew. I love to create things. Things that are apart of me in some way or another. Except something is different about me. I mean I realize people change all the time its not earth shattering. I haven’t painted anything in a long time. I miss it. I know I can paint anytime I want to. I write anytime I want to. I can sew and make a video at any time. (Well not any time but you know what I mean) But just today I have realized that when I paint or draw something I need something to look at when I draw it. Meaning it doesn’t come out of my head but out someone else’s. I mean I know that is how you learn somethings by looking at it being done and then proceeding to imitate it. I DEMAND MY CREATIVITY BACK.

Who has taken it? I’m not sure, probably the other not so creative side of me. (What a bitch) How am I supposed to get it back or can I even retrieve it?

Part two: Ok sane again. Well for the most part.

I just watched a movie called Phoebe in Wonderland. It stars Elle Fanning, Dakota Fanning’s younger sister. She is a 9 year old girl with a vivid imagination who also has turrets and obsessive control disorder. Both her parents are writers and her mother has chosen Alice in Wonderland to be the inspiration for her dissertation. Phoebe(Elle) becomes obsessed with that world. I rather liked this movie. It made me want to draw my own version of Alice in Wonderland. I mean I know that the story was written by someone who must have been on a permanent high, but I think thats what made it such an enticing story. I mean come on who hasn’t wanted to escape reality to retreat to a world with no boundaries? Good movie you should watch it if you get the chance. Ok well I better get some sleep. tsk.

“Be what you would seem to be — or, if you’d like it put more simply — Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.” -Alice in Wonderland

First off I’d like to say thanks to Mija for my new blog layout! THANK YOU MIJA!!!!

Ok. Well I went to see Coraline( it was absolutely adorable, Neil Gaiman is a mastermind!) with my Valentine, and sisters. Missy thanks for spending Valentine’s Day with me. You know most single people see Valentine’s day as S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day) Now its not like I haven’t been single before, its just I haven’t been single in over a year. Now this time last year I spent my time looking for the perfect card for my significant other. But this year? I went all out. lol Which is funny because I went all out for my friend and not for my boyfriend (when I had one). hehehe I was like hey just because I don’t have a boyfriend that doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Ok so its a day for lovers to announce once again just how much they care for each other. But I see it as a day for people, single or taken to let anyone they love know just that. My friend Missy had totally surprised me with chocolates and a love bug plushie along with a pink rose. I felt so special. So I made her a love jar (which contained a few reasons why I love her, not all but a few) and chocolate covered strawberries.(which were good) I hope you enjoyed them Missy.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping right at all. I know I am the only one who can solve this problem. Tuesday I have a math test and I’m not quite sure which part of my research essay is due this week. Damnit. (My leg hurts >_<) I love the show United States of Tara. It is so cute. You should definitely watch it. Oh and I watched the show Doll House as well. Its made by the same creators as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. The first episode was pretty good so I’m gonna keep watching it, unless it gets stupid. But so far so good. Cate I can’t get over how adorable your new video was. It was amazing! Speaking of videos, I am so annoyed with Youtube right now. They keep muting my videos. So far in the past couple of months they have pointed out two of my videos that were in violation with the music. Ok and today I had to delete a video that I made over a year ago. How am I supposed to get a famous bands permission to use their songs? I mean come on really? Cyber stalking is annoying and so junior high. I also wanted to talk about this article. It says that a 12 year old boy from London impregnated his 14 year old girlfriend. Are you serious? What 14 year old girl dates a 12 year old boy? I mean really? Ok they haven’t taken a paternity test to prove that the now 13 yr, boy is in fact the father. I mean wow. Does a 12 year old boy even know how to impregnate a girl? I mean isn’t he still going through puberty? I doubt that he is the father. Another article says, that the girl had slept with two other guys so I’m guessing either one of those dumb asses are likely the father of this naive girls newborn baby girl. I think its just weird for a 13 year old boy to have a baby. I mean when a 15 yr old girl has a baby its mostly because their stupid “older” boyfriend can’t either: A. Date someone his own age. B. Keep it in his pants. C. Is way too lazy to purchase a condom and use said condom. I mean really? I know young teens are stupid and impressionable but parents really need to explain to their dumb underage daughters and their horny overage sons (and vice versa) the seriousness of having sex. I mean I don’t want to sound like an after school special, but come on parents of the world. TALK TO YOUR DUMB KIDS. I find it strange that an older girl slept with a 12 year old boy. So I am assuming it was her doing that initiated the sexual relationship with this kid named Alfie. Of course I’m not saying she deserves all the blame. I find them along with their parents at fault for allowing their children to spend the night together. That’s right, they allowed Alfie to spend the night at his girlfriend’s house, where I’m guessing the fornicating took place. How sad. sigh.

I read this short story called Criminal Act by Harry Harrison. Where people are only allowed to have two children if you were to have a any more than that then you would have to die so your child could live. The main character of this story however fights back. They hire an assassin to kill the “offender” and if he fails then he takes the place as the one less mouth to feed. Of course (sorry if I ruin it) in the end the main character kills the assassin and thinks everything will be fine. He can live with his wife and three kids. His wife is pregnant with twins. And thats how it ends. Creepy right? Another short story called Problems with Creativeness by Thomas M. Disch. In this story, only smart people are allowed to have children. If you were not considered smart then you were not allowed to reproduce. The water supply had a contraceptive in it so thats how they stopped people from reproducing. These two stories were written in the 50’s and 60’s. Interesting reads.

They are called Condoms! You know, in case you haven’t heard of them.

I like reading horoscopes. Today’s reads-A surprise is coming your way this afternoon, and it’s going to push a few of your plans for the day way off track. This disruption isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. It could be just the thing to mix up your life and infuse some exciting new energy into it! You need to learn to be less rigid about things anyway — and this is the first day of your lessons. If you can gain appreciation for the unknown and the unexpected, you will find more opportunities in life.

I need to get a job! I really hope I get the job at Library. Then I can set up a savings account which will come in handy when I move in with my sister. Sigh. Oh creepy thing happened the other day. Two girls came to the door and basically did what this article says. SO READ IT! Its creepy. (I just noticed I have a bruise on my knuckle. I know random side thought) Mom just gave Kat her laptop so now she has no excuse, she better update her blog more often and she better make her vlogs on time! Do you hear that Kat? I mean it!!!!! Anyway, my lappy is dying a slow and painful death. The battery is shot to hell. So until I have a job and save up money to buy a new laptop, (well first I would save up so I can help mom buy herself a laptop) I want to buy a new battery module until that fine day comes. sigh. My poor lappy.

Mija don’t be stressed ok? I miss you and hope to see you next weekend. Just keep thinking positive ok?

Virgo–They are generally reticent when faced with anything or anyone new. However, once they feel comfortable, they can talk up a storm. (How true is this about me? Very true. I try to warn people about that.) Virgo ascendant natives have a tendency to worry a lot, especially when confronted with new situations. They notice the tiniest details that others overlook.

“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it.”- Neil Gaiman

A very interesting thing happened today. Something that is even more rare then pigs flying and blue moons. Dun dun dun….my cats slept next to each other. *GASP* Tis an unusual sight. But then I missed it up when I went outside to get a better picture and Kozi got up and left Mr. alone with the leaves. Poor Mr.

After dad finished eating dinner he let Misto inside and held him and proceeded to tell us for the 100th time that it looks like Misto is wearing chaps. Lmao! Oh how silly. Well this weekend was completely uneventful. I did absolutely nothing on Saturday. Sunday I went to bed at 4:30 in the morning, and woke up at 6:30am to go to church with dad. I washed my clothes and then took a nap and didn’t wake up til like 4 something. I’m just messing around on the internet. Sigh wow boring blog. I need to finish reading NEVERWHERE by next week. But I’m also watching the television show that aired in 1996 on BBC Two. Neil Gaiman is so fucking awesome. I need to straighten my hair. I now hear Mr. fighting with another cat or something. I swear he makes the strangest noises. Oh you should look up songs by Melanie Horsnell. Her songs are used in a lot of commericals. My favorite one is this McDonald’s one. So cute. So yeah recap, I did nothing and now I am updating my blog with pictures of my cats and fast food commercials. How pathetic am I? Well this week on Wednesday I don’t have any classes. Hurray! So I can film my KimCateKat video. And put it up on the 6th. Hopefully. Well I’m going to straighten my hair and watch/read NEVERWHERE. YAY.

Life — and I don’t suppose I’m the first to make this comparison — is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.- Neil Gaiman (I thought this one was hilarious)

“Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay no attention to it and go about your business, you’ll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap.”
– William Bennett

I’m not exactly blind, I just wish I could ignore the things I am looking at. You know I need to consume my time with school. I have things to do. You know? I am a very busy person. I am. -.- You know things used to be so easy. Why can’t l go back to easy?

Because-Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

Well when you put like that. Sigh. I’m annoyed and I’m not really sure why. My chest hurts. It might be heartburn I ate Chinese. Anyway, I like the whole comparing happiness to a cat, because I have two cats and they only come when you don’t want them to. Except for those, when pigs fly moments. Going back to what I was saying I have tons of things to do. And its not like I am behind in school. I have plenty of time, I am just doing things slowly. I mean I think its faster than how I did things last semester. How is it possible to have enough things to do and then not have enough things to do? I mean forget time. Time isn’t really a factor in this problem like it use to be. This post doesn’t really make since does it?

On another note I am currently working on making a video response to littleradge’s video on youtube entitled Talk to your past. The point of his video is, if you could travel back 10yrs what 10 things would you tell your self. In my case I would be 9, and in…third grade I believe. So yeah, thats a video I’m working on right now. Then I will start working on my video for KimCateKat which is the collaboration videos Cate and Kat and I have started on our own channels. Instead of making a completely different channel that is. I haven’t really thought about my 9yr old self. I mean, my mind is too busy thinking of the more recent past than the 10 years ago past. *My chest hurts still. *I don’t think its heartburn*

So on to the narcissistic part of this entry. I was taking pictures of…myself. Because I usually did that for my myspace. Sorry I’m a camera whore. Its a habit. Even though I no longer have a myspace, there is always facebook pictures. ^_^ Anyway, I took pictures I noticed wow I really don’t have an upper lip. >_< I mean I’ve always known that, but these particular pictures actually pointed it out to me. I mean it makes me laugh. I don’t have an upper lip. How strange is that? I mean its like when someone asks, hey are my eyebrows even? And even after you answer them no not at all , you can’t help but keep staring at their eyebrows because then they suddenly appear out of place. Maybe that one is just me. Well anyway the point is if they weren’t so self-conscience about the evenness of their eyebrows then I would never notice the oddness of eyebrows in general. lol Wow I should really go to sleep. >_< I mean I have now just pointed out the fact that I have no upper lip. sigh. I should sleep. Goodnight and sorry for this bizarre blog entry. It won’t happen again. This is the product due to my procrastination issue.

The mind is for seeing, the heart is for hearing. -Proverb

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

I had just my history class today. I didn’t really pay attention though. I was thinking about tons of different things. It was weird, I dreaded going to class today because of…him. But when I got into class, my mind just started thinking about other things. Mainly about things I want to do. And things I need/have to do. I already took care of my history quizzes for the week. But during history I took notes as usual, but when she started talking about things off the notes I started doodling like I normally do, yet it was different. I usually just doodle a star in the corner trying to get it exactly even on all five points. (They are never perfect.) But this time I went a little over board. I mean I took notes…I just sort of ignored all the other talking. Now I doodle names and what not, I was deeply inspired by Neil Gaiman. And as you can see. (Notice that his name is written extremely huge.) So yeah that was history class.

I planned on making a skirt today and painting something as well but I got distracted by the movie Nick and Norah’s infinite playlist. Oh and my mom bought the movie REPO! The Genetic Opera. I need to do so many things. I need to write the first page for my six page essay for tomorrow, I need to read my book. And I want to read about a million other books too. Oh and the other night I watched The United States of Tara. It is a really good show. I immediately loved it after the first few minutes of the first episode. I found a new show to take the spot of True Blood. Until the second season starts of course. YAY! I am sleepy. I wish I had more hours in the day to do things. I still need to straighten my hair right now and do the dishes. I’m hungry too. And my feet hurt. lol Bitch Bitch Bitch. Right? I need to stop wasting time and do the things I have to do. I should write a To do list. Here it is. Stuff I need to do followed by stuff I want to do.

1. Write the biography page on Charlaine Harris
2. Straighten my hair.
3. dishes.
4. read Birds of America
5. read Neverwhere
6. read three stories from my Oxford book
7. do the last two times of Quiz 18 even though I made a 90 on it .

1. read Sunshine
2. read Definitely Dead
3. read All together dead
4. paint lots of pictures thanks to Neil Gaiman and Dave Mckean
5. make a video
6. make I don’t know how many skirts

I know it may not seem like a lot of things, but it feels like it. Could you imagine if I had a job? Wow that would suck. I mean I have a lot of things to think about which I guess is good because it takes my mind of things that really suck. Tomorrow is the 22nd of the month. A day that I would normally forget but then remember. It is now a day in the month that I couldn’t forget. It “was” my anniversary. lol I know pathetic to bring it up. It would have been 16 months tomorrow. Gosh how annoying. It is now just a day in every month. Except for December 22nd, which is in fact my cats birthday. But other than that just day. Sigh well there was the lame part of the blog. An entry that began with random notions which lead to my bitching, followed by a little bit of feeling sorry for myself. Sigh Yeah happy reading.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Catherine Ponder

(This quote really describes how I felt today. But it sucks because I have no control over it. I can’t get rid of this feeling. Sigh Fuck ass.) ~_~

“I lost some time once. It’s always in the last place you look for it.” – Neil Gaiman

This weekend kicked ass. There are exactly no words to describe how awesome this weekend was. So I guess I can only tell you exactly what happened. Ok. … continue reading this entry.

Don’t get hung up on a snag in the stream, my dear. Snags alone are not so dangerous—it’s the debris that clings to them that makes the trouble. Pull yourself loose and go on. – Anne Shannon Monroe

PART ONE: I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was. *You might want to skip all of part one its just me thinking.* … continue reading this entry.

Today was weird.

I was able to concentrate in History class today. Even though he is in there. That means it is getting easier for me. I was offered a ride home by different people.

My ex’s dad. Yeah like I am gonna want to drive home with my ex boyfriend who avoids me like the plague. I started walking home by this time because my sweet mom was taking forever. But I do live close so its ok. My second cousin? Ethan offered. It was creepy because a car drove on the side of the road, but then I saw that it was him. He is so nice. I said no because I was almost home anyway.lol I wish I had a car. >_<

I don’t get hit on a lot, but now that it is ok to look at other guys I still feel like I’m not supposed to. I forget that I am now single and its ok to look. It will take me awhile but I think I will get the hang of flirting and dating again. lol Aren’t they cute? They have sour candy in them. I totally want one. But I went to Hastings to buy books for school. I could only find two that I needed. Four more to go, I think I can find them at the school store and hopefully at a cheaper price. My days are getting normal again, I’m not exactly my normal happy self but hey I’m a negative person to begin with. I must think positive. You know I still find the oddest things remind me of him. It sucks. Because I can’t forget them. Yeah I know better to love and lost than to have never love at all. Is that how the saying goes? I heard another saying somewhere, how does it go? “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.” Yeah. I mean if I remember all the sweet times we had together, he does too right? I mean he was never great at speaking his mind and expressing himself. But he could always say I love you. And I thats something I don’t want to forget. No matter how sad and hard it is.

The me that is doing good is always around. Compare to the me that is reminiscing.

I am deleting my myspace by the end of the week, I think it will solve a lot of my problems.

So…school. There are about a million things wrong with it. My ex is in my history class. Now I knew I might run into him in the hallways. But, its a nice size campus so I thought it would be big enough for the both of us. But a classroom? Not so much. I could have sworn I told him when I had classes, so if he got the same class as me on purpose that pretty much sucks. He saw me before I saw him, and he avoided me. Which nah duh that is understandable. But that somehow made it hurt much more. How am I supposed to get over him if I see him during that class. Now granted, I don’t have to look at him or speak to him or have anything to do with him. But he is there. He broke up with me before we did class schedules together. Yet here we are in the same history class every Monday and Wednesday at 2:15. To me it feels like he is purposefully doing this so it is impossible for me to move on. Now I don’t know why I am thinking of it that way. Because he wasn’t this kind of person while we were dating. He was nice and a good boyfriend. Maybe subconsciously I think making him out to be the villain will make things easier for me. But I guess that isn’t really my subconscious. I know he is hurting too even though it was him who wanted to date other people. But I am standing my ground and not changing my schedule. My science fiction/fantasy class seems like it will be fun. The teacher is really cool and I love writing and reading so it should be ok. But there are a lot of books I have to read and in a short amount of time but I believe I can do it. Tomorrow I have English at 12:30 and then math at 5. I’m not exactly looking forward to that but hey I have no choice. I promise I will try to update with a less boring entry next time.

School should take my mind off things not keep it on them sigh.