Inside Kimmy's Mind

“Guilt burned like vomit in my throat.” -Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues

So I guess my friendship with bus dude isn’t going to work out. Yesterday, we had a conversation that did not end very nicely. I had misunderstood him completely and he did the same with me. I automatically filed him into the friend zone after our first dinner together. After said dinner, I let him know that I wasn’t looking to start anything up and we  agreed to be friends. We texted back and forth, but we only hung out once more, in person, after that and it just further proved that I wasn’t interested nor ready to date. I figured I didn’t have to reiterate because he never actually showed any real interest. But who am I kidding? When a guy asks for a chick’s number that is a sign he might be interested. I was in denial. He never told me he was interested in me as more than a friend and I just clung to the idea of a friendship. He then told me that he wasn’t sure if he was interested, but as he got to know me his  interest grew. He told me he was willing to wait. Willing to wait? WTF? Why do guys think this is romantic to say? Bus dude is the third guy to tell me this and frankly I find it annoying. Willing to wait? You don’t know how long you would have to wait and you don’t know who you will meet during that waiting period. Oh and I think my feelings should also be a factor in this equation. Life throws obstacles at you and you cannot guarantee that those obstacles won’t end up changing your mind. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean your feelings weren’t real, it just makes you human. I told him that the longer he’d wait, the more I would end up seeing him as a friend.  He then said that time was a more pleasant alternative and lets just see what happens. I translated that into, “Shhhhh. I’m not listening to you or your feelings and I figure if I wait then you will come around sooner or later.” I cannot control who I have feelings for. Those feelings just happen.

I feel as though this should be the theme song to my blog. 

I really wish bus dude had been more upfront about his intentions and then I could have reminded him of mine. I refuse to believe that a single male and female are unable to maintain a friendship. Is that really all that impossible? Will feelings on either end always develop? I’m frustrated and I feel bad for hurting bus dude but it wasn’t as if I wasn’t honest from the beginning. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that as long as he didn’t form any expectations then he could do as he pleased. I didn’t mean to sound cold-hearted but I didn’t want any more misunderstandings to occur. And don’t give me this crap about how nice guys are always exiled to the friend zone. They are exiled there because they, A. are either too much of a pansy to speak up about their feelings or, B. a chick just really cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship with them. Forgive me for not being able to change my feelings to match his. I’m just getting more angry as I think about this. I feel horrible how this ended but I don’t think I made a mistake. I know where my feelings are and I can’t change them. Part of me thinks my life would be much easier if I didn’t have these feelings but I’m tired of feeling guilty for still having feelings for my ex. Yes, he was a dumb ass but I can’t help that I still like him. I really want to blame him for my current situation but this is all my fault. I was the one who gave bus dude my number and I shouldn’t have assumed that he was only interested in a friendship. So now I’m out a friend and I feel like a bitch. He ended with saying I’m going to go away for a bit. I translated that to be, “We are no longer friends and I don’t want to speak to you.”

This is going to make future bus rides very awkward. -.- I guess I should just ignore the opposite sex for awhile. No friendships or relationships. Just pretend men do not exist…yes I’m being dramatic. I know.

Thanks for reading.

P.s. Is this karma for going through high school with no drama what’s so ever?

So I’ve had the song, Dog Days Are Over, stuck in my head already for 3 days straight. I’ve been playing it on repeat and now I plan to get it stuck in your head as well. Mwahahaha!!! But it’s a good song. I love the music video for it. Florence is dressed in a pretty dress and then as the song progresses she resembles a Japanese kabuki actress. My favorite parts are her arm movements in the beginning and then the chorus. I actually have no idea what it’s about, but I like it and the music video so I hope you enjoy it.

So the other day I found out that my high school boyfriend knocked up his girlfriend. That sounds weird out loud. I met him when I was 16 and we dated on and off again and then when I turned 18 it became more serious. Our relationship ended when I turned 19 and that was that. We talked a bit over the years but we were never really “friends”. Can one really be friends with an ex? Anyway, so the girl he dated after me didn’t last very long and I have no idea how long he’s been in a relationship with his current girlfriend but I’m assuming he’s happy. I’m not bothered by this I’m just really shocked. Not by his ability to impregnate just by the idea of him having a child and becoming a father. It’ s just so weird. 0.0 So much time has passed and the boy I knew is long gone. I haven’t spoken to him in ages but we aren’t on bad terms. He was my first boyfriend, the first boy I ever kissed, ect. ect. It’s weird but I’m happy that he’s happy and I wish him and his growing family all the best.

So over at Lazy Explorers, Chloe is hosting an amazing blog hop along with three other great bloggers.  Click the banner above to get to the main the entry and check it out yourself. I’ve already found a bunch of great bloggers thanks to this.

Well I’m exhausted and I have no idea what I’m still doing up. Good morning/night. :3

Thanks for reading.

So this past week was pretty busy. A perfect week to end a perfect Birthmonth. That’s right, I pretty much celebrated my birthday all month. XD

Last Monday, I went with a friend and had the chance to hear Junot Diaz read from his newest book, This is How You Lose Her. A collection of breakup stories. He was wonderful, I never thought much about an authors ability to speak in front of an audience. It totally makes you want to read their writing more if they are great speakers. And I never thought about even getting a chance to meet an author. But that is one of the good things about living in Houston. I’ve had the chance to meet several different authors since moving here and it has been amazing. My friend and I stood in line for about 2 hours to get Diaz to sign our books. He was just so friendly and adorable, a lot shorter than I thought too.  I really wish I was able to buy his new book but that will have to wait. My too read list is much too long at the moment and have absolutely no time to read what I want to read. Moving along to Wednesday, Mija took me to see Beauty and The Beast the musical. It was so amazing! Like I’ve mentioned before, this is my favorite Disney movie and it was such a huge part of my childhood. To be able to see it as an adult it was just a wonderful experience and I can’t thank my sister enough for doing this for me.

Instagram Pics

1. Glitter Chucks: These are my bridesmaid shoes. Yes, they are freaking awesome.
2. Junot Diaz autograph
3. Beauty and The Beast Playbill and ticket. Totally framed it. >.<

Continuing on with the rest of the week, Thursday night I went to Poison Girl for the end of the month Poison Pen (reading series) and had a blast with friends. I always have such a great time at this bar and had just the one drink this time. ;P  Friday, I spent the day with my sisters and bro. We walked around the Galleria and played an exciting game of, I Spy the quinceañera dress. Let’s just say it wasn’t very hard to spot them. -.-  Saturday, we met up with some friends at the bowling alley and then went out for pizza. It was a great night filled with a lot of laughing and nerd talk. I love hanging out with people who are just as nerdy as I am. :3

So I was doing my daily blog browsing and discovered this. This is Willie Nelson. I wrote a short story about him over at Joy’s blog and she totally illustrated it. How freaking adorable is that? I love her blog. :3 You should totally go and leave a character description or story for her to illustrate. She is super talented. Thanks again Joy.

Today’s song,  Right as Rain by Adele. This is the only song of hers that I really like listening to.  Ok, I’m off to finish reading about orgies and Mexicans before going to bed. (Hence the title)[audio:http://numb.honey-vanity.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/RightAsRain-Onesongfavs.mp3|titles=RightAsRain-Onesongfavs]

Thanks for reading.