Inside Kimmy's Mind

I was going to  rant about class credits and minors, but something else happened the other day that I have to vent. Sorry, but this is a ranting post but I think you might want to hear about it, especially seeing as all of my readers are pretty much female. So in my literary studies class we are reading Death of a Salesman. I arrived not expecting the discussion to take the turn that it did, and I had no intention of speaking up. I’ll try to keep this short.

So my professor opened up the discussion about whether or not growing up without a father does any damage to a person. The character in the play Willy grows up without one and whatnot. So my class contains only women. Several of which grew up with their dad not being present in their lives…they spoke up so I’m not speculating. I want to discuss what two particular classmates of mine said during our discussions. Let’s call them Girl A and Girl B. So both A and B grew up with out their dads. I had said, that I felt it depends on how a person handles certain things in life that determines whether or not having a dad or not will hurt or better them. I know there are probably studies that show children do better with both parents, but there are also kids from a single parent house hold that accomplish a lot because of how they were raised. Girl A starts to spout about how she didn’t need her dad and that it does depend on the person. I digress, on to the real rant…so my professor leads the discussion to the job of a husband and wife in a house hold. For every dollar a man makes a woman makes 77 cents. I’ve always known that men have been paid more than women. Girl A starts to speak up again, she looks at the difference and says, “It’s so sad.” My teacher begins to question her and asks why. She then starts saying how it’s a pill women have to swallow and how horrible it is. But to just swallow it. O.o huh? I couldn’t believe my ears.

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“Guilt burned like vomit in my throat.” -Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues

So I guess my friendship with bus dude isn’t going to work out. Yesterday, we had a conversation that did not end very nicely. I had misunderstood him completely and he did the same with me. I automatically filed him into the friend zone after our first dinner together. After said dinner, I let him know that I wasn’t looking to start anything up and we  agreed to be friends. We texted back and forth, but we only hung out once more, in person, after that and it just further proved that I wasn’t interested nor ready to date. I figured I didn’t have to reiterate because he never actually showed any real interest. But who am I kidding? When a guy asks for a chick’s number that is a sign he might be interested. I was in denial. He never told me he was interested in me as more than a friend and I just clung to the idea of a friendship. He then told me that he wasn’t sure if he was interested, but as he got to know me his  interest grew. He told me he was willing to wait. Willing to wait? WTF? Why do guys think this is romantic to say? Bus dude is the third guy to tell me this and frankly I find it annoying. Willing to wait? You don’t know how long you would have to wait and you don’t know who you will meet during that waiting period. Oh and I think my feelings should also be a factor in this equation. Life throws obstacles at you and you cannot guarantee that those obstacles won’t end up changing your mind. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean your feelings weren’t real, it just makes you human. I told him that the longer he’d wait, the more I would end up seeing him as a friend.  He then said that time was a more pleasant alternative and lets just see what happens. I translated that into, “Shhhhh. I’m not listening to you or your feelings and I figure if I wait then you will come around sooner or later.” I cannot control who I have feelings for. Those feelings just happen.

I really wish bus dude had been more upfront about his intentions and then I could have reminded him of mine. I refuse to believe that a single male and female are unable to maintain a friendship. Is that really all that impossible? Will feelings on either end always develop? I’m frustrated and I feel bad for hurting bus dude but it wasn’t as if I wasn’t honest from the beginning. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that as long as he didn’t form any expectations then he could do as he pleased. I didn’t mean to sound cold-hearted but I didn’t want any more misunderstandings to occur. And don’t give me this crap about how nice guys are always exiled to the friend zone. They are exiled there because they, A. are either too much of a pansy to speak up about their feelings or, B. a chick just really cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship with them. Forgive me for not being able to change my feelings to match his. I’m just getting more angry as I think about this. I feel horrible how this ended but I don’t think I made a mistake. I know where my feelings are and I can’t change them. Part of me thinks my life would be much easier if I didn’t have these feelings but I’m tired of feeling guilty for still having feelings for my ex. Yes, he was a dumb ass but I can’t help that I still like him. I really want to blame him for my current situation but this is all my fault. I was the one who gave bus dude my number and I shouldn’t have assumed that he was only interested in a friendship. So now I’m out a friend and I feel like a bitch. He ended with saying I’m going to go away for a bit. I translated that to be, “We are no longer friends and I don’t want to speak to you.”

This is going to make future bus rides very awkward. -.- I guess I should just ignore the opposite sex for awhile. No friendships or relationships. Just pretend men do not exist…yes I’m being dramatic. I know.

Thanks for reading.

Közi is the sweetest cat in the world. We’ve had him for about 6 years and he just fit right in with us.. He’s a fatty but a gentle giant. Unlike the diva Misto, Közi has never been aggressive towards us. He’s just a really great cat and I love him to pieces.

Disclaimer: What I write from this point on is just me venting and I apologize to any dog owners.

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I don’t believe in second chances. Once you screw up that’s it. I’m not the type of girl who forgives easily. I mean I take the situation into consideration. You lost the pen you borrowed…that’s fine, you ate the last doughnut?  Forget it. You’re screwed. >o<

In all seriousness, when it comes to relationships I have to set boundaries. I know it may sound harsh but it’s just how I am. It’s been about a month since my relationship ended. I was really angry and frustrated with him for how he chose to handle things. But I’m tired of holding on to that anger and I can say that I’m not as bitter as I once was.  He contacted me the other day and told me how much he misses me and that he loved me. The pissed off side of me couldn’t help but feel happy about that. I wanted to rub it in his face and tell him, “Of course you miss me. I could have told you that you would. I’m fucking awesome!!” XD But I was more interested in keeping my cool. I had the chance to say everything I wanted to say to him that night and now I just want to move on with my life. Before our relationship ended I tried my best to show him that I was there for him but he just wasn’t able to see that. The way he handled the situation was wrong but I hope the next relationship he has he knows it’s ok to rely on someone. As cheesy as I may sound at the moment, I am very serious. I couldn’t take everything he said as the truth but again I’ve decided to just rise above it. You can’t change the past, and even though I hated how the relationship ended I am going to move forward and be happy. I hope he does the same.

It’s nice being able to sort out my feelings and I’m glad that this entry can end on a happy note. Thanks for reading. :3

I spent some extra time thinking which song I wanted to share. I finally decided on Thank You by Mozella. Enjoy. [audio:http://numb.honey-vanity.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/ThankyouMozellalyricsYouTube.mp3|titles=ThankyouMozella]

Dating is difficult. This is something we all must come to terms with. I haven’t been dating for very long but here are the types of guys I have encountered. This only rings true for me I am in no way saying all guys are like this.

The Unenthusiastic “Musician”– Not to be confused by the “serious musician”, this type of guy doesn’t see himself really as a musician. He probably started playing because it was the “cool” thing to do and saw it as an opportunity to impress people. He has no ambition to actually play in a band. He just jams with like minded dudes who wear skinny jeans and chucks and wear their hair long because it makes a statement of being a rebel. This gets old.
The Video Gamer/Anime Otaku- This one can actually be quite annoying/scary. You don’t ever want to date someone like this. Unless you are equally into anime and video games as he is or if there is a healthy balance and he isn’t obsessed with hentai.  If he is just a normal video gamer then that might be ok, but be careful because they can be tricky.
The Asexual- He is the type who doesn’t know what he wants. I mean, ok well most guys don’t know what they want but I will say this is more true for this particular breed.  He is sort of like a robot and doesn’t really understand feelings. I feel as though he just goes with the flow because he thinks it’s what he should be doing.
The Writer- He is the kind of guy who will say bizarre things in hopes of shocking you. He’s also the type who will expect you to marvel at his literary genius. He wants you to read his work and express your opinions about it…but only if it is helpful. If you’re not prepared to offer a thorough critique then don’t bother expressing it because he won’t listen to it. When it comes to writers you also have to keep in mind that it also depends on the type of writer you have. Stay away from poets and screen writers. Actually I’ve decided to stay away from writers altogether.

I think I am almost done with the “Creative” guy category. All I need is maybe a photographer or a film student…maybe even a chef? It is difficult dating an artist. But I see myself as a nerdy creative type girl and therefore require that in a guy. Pffft. We shall see what the next guy brings. Also I want to thank everyone for being so supportive in my last post, I promise I won’t keep updating such bitter posts.

I decided that since this is my blog I get to be as immature as I want to be. So here we go, this will be a long post so I understand if you just skim.

So yeah, college dating experience two has ended. Yup. -.- Over. Not even a week of being boyfriend and girlfriend and it is over. But technically we dated for about two months before using labels.  I’m not going to lie. I’m obviously mad but not necessarily because the relationship is over. I’m pissed because guys are pussies!!! I guess I should start at the beginning of the end.

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Concentrating is difficult when there are a bunch of things I’d rather being doing.

This semester is the first time I’ve had such an overload of crap to get done. Here is my current list of stuff to get done.

Nonfiction:

• 2 Peer critiques- due 4-30-12
• Paper 2 revised-due 5-2-12

Shakespeare:

• 10 pg paper- due 5-2-12
• Test (in class)- 4-30-12
• Test (take home)-5-7-12

Fiction:

• Portfolio- due on 5-1-12
• Reflective 4 pg Essay (included in portfolio)

Math:

• Final- 5-10-12

-.- I’m tired just thinking about all the things I have to do. I just can’t wait for this semester to be done. I want to enjoy the month I have off before I start classes over the summer. :/ That’s right…more school. I go home every summer and take a few classes at the community college in my home town. It’s cheaper and my parents enjoy having me home. Of course this is the first time I actually have a bigger reason to want to stay in Houston. Sadly, staying isn’t an option. But hey that is when technology comes in and helps make things easier.

Anyway, I jut finished putting my portfolio together and now I am working on my reflective essay. And then once that is done I can start writing my Shakespeare essay, I’m thinking five pages tonight and five tomorrow, but I also have a Shakespeare test to study for. I’m freaking out about that. The plays I should be re reading are….

• Henry The Fourth
• Macbeth
• Antony and Cleopatra
• Coriolanus

And then my 10 pg essay has to be over a specific act out of all of the plays we’ve read this semester. >o< And then of course there is the take home test that is due on the 7th and that i essentially an essay in itself. My professor is a horrible person!!! There are so many things I’d rather be doing, like figuring out what to get my sister for her birthday. She is turning 19 this year.

I just needed a break from writing. Yeah and I decided to blog as a break? I dunno, I’m weird that way. Once finals are over I’ll post more exciting things along with cute make-you-sick date pictures. I’m happy. XD

Do you follow a study schedule when finals roll around? Or do you just wing it and somehow make it out unscathed?

So I just heard about Google Friend being discontinued.  -.- This sucks. I hate when Google decides to take something, that people use, away. It’s really inconvenient, how unfair for non-blogger users, and now it won’t even let me export my community data.  So I just wanted to ask the readers I had, if you don’t mind, to subscribe to me on bloglovin. It’s one of my favorite sites that keeps you updated on your favorite bloggers. Also leave your link,  for bloglovin,  in the comments below so I can follow you too that way I don’t lose track of your blog either. Just click here or the typewriter on my side bar to subscribe. 😀 Thank you.

So on Monday, the weirdos and I were gonna head to Ihop for some free pancakes. And then we realized that none of us are even fans of pancakes. I’m more of a French toast or waffle person. Anywho, we decided on eating at Jus’ Mac instead.  What is Jus’ Mac you ask? Well since you asked, it is this amazing restaurant that serves just mac, meaning macaroni and cheese. But I’m not talking just plain Kraft here. This is gourmet stuff, and so freaking yummy. :9 The first time I tried one of their dishes was when my bro-in law brought some leftovers home. The dish was called The Pit Master: brisket topped with Colby Jack and BBQ sauce. Delicious. I’m from Texas and the BBQ is awesome here so of course there has to be a dish with brisket it in. Then to top it all off is bread crumbs. Eating regular mac and cheese just won’t taste the same without the bread crumbs toasted on top. I don’t think I can go back to Kraft. >.< I tried something different when we went Monday night. The Broc: fresh broccoli florets topped with cheddar. It was so yummy. Obviously if your not a fan of broccoli then this wouldn’t be the dish for you. But they have other ones to suit your taste. The next time we go I plan on trying the Cheese and Chong: seared chicken, sauteed mushrooms, pesto topped with French fried onions.  Can’t wait. >.< They offer two sizes personal and regular. I got the personal and it may look small but believe me, it is more than enough. I highly recommend trying Jus’ Mac if you are ever in Houston or Sugar Land. It changes mac and cheese. Moving on, so when I came home today Jody had the blinds opened. Tomo loves it when the he can peer outside. (what a creeper) He’s only ever been an inside cat so he doesn’t really know about the outside world. Sometimes there will be stray cats wondering around and he’ll get excited/scared and just glare at them. He makes a funny noise when he sees birds outside. It is super funny check out the video below to see what I mean. It’s an old video I shot back in 09 to show my sister how weird her cat is. He is sort chirping, I think he is trying to talk to me. Such an odd ball. I’m amazed he can fit on the windowsill. Such a big kitty, also his birthday is coming up. I think he is going to be 4? I plan on knitting him another bow to wear for his special day. He didn’t like the last one I knitted for him. But he can wear one for one day. XD

Also my laptop is starting to spazz out on me. The screen is starting to flicker…that’s how my first laptop died. -.- I’m seriously doomed when it comes to computers. Please just hold out for the next two seasons. 😥

I have many irrational fears and one in particular is the optometrist. I can’t stand eye exams. o.o

So, optometrists scare me. I hate them, 😯 , and I hate getting my eyes examined. I can’t stand having objects inches away from my eyes. I can’t even keep my eyes open long enough for pictures. Well serious pictures like ids or something. I always blink. I put a lot of pressure on stuff like this. And my eyes receive that message and decide they are uncomfortable. I always blink. My eyes feel pressured or something and just spazzes out on me. Just thinking about the exam makes my eyes water. I kept telling the lady, who was in conducting the exam, that I was the worst patient in the world and that I apologize for being so difficult. She just laughed it off. She didn’t think I was serious, but oh I was. I figured out how to get past the eye drop part. I simply close my eyes and she drops the numbing agent and dilating stuff on my closed eyelids and I open them. *thinking about it again-eyes are starting to water* Anyway, so the only part I can’t handle is the pressure part. They put this machine thing really close to your eye, I was told it wouldn’t touch my eye but it does, and because I can’t keep my eye open for very long, my lashes brush against it and I move back. I can’t help it, its a reflex. That is why we have eyelashes to keep stuff out of our eyes. Also there is a blue light around the thing that touches the eye and it makes my eye water, therefore causing my eye to blink. Well anyway, so she tried a couple more times and then called the Dr. in. I didn’t like him, he is the son of the Dr. that actually does my exam. He was always so nice to me and just took the pressure by touching my eyes while they were closed. His son sort of mocked me but I could care less. I’m not going to make his job easier, I’m completely ok with being selfish during a time like this. He lacks Dr. to patient skills, I’m just happy its over.  And the only good part about getting an eye exam is getting to pick out new glasses afterward. I can’t wait to get them, my glasses have these weird scratches around the perimeter of the lens and it is really annoying. Sadly I have to wait a week until I can get my new glasses. But oh well because the actual eye exam is over and I’m so glad. 😀 I can handle my ortho visits,which cause a lot of pain, but not eye exams. Speaking of ortho, I had a check up on Thursday and my teeth hurt so much right now. 🙁 They added what is known as a power chain, which is supposed to close the gaps, to the top and a new wire on the bottom. But good news is that I’m nearing the end of braces. My Dr. didn’t give me an exact date to when they would be coming off, but it will be soon. And I can’t wait!!! I’m ready to get my teeth whiten and have the front teeth fixed. I posted about my braces during the beginning stages here. You can see the differences since I last posted about it. My front tooth was horribly chipped before and they fixed it. I was gonna to try and keep up with my brace journey, but I felt taking pictures of my teeth was gross so decided against. Minus these two posts, but I’m documenting aspects of my life and this is a pretty life changing for me. Plus I wanted to show the power chain, and I’ve been staying with the color teal, I just find it so pretty. Well I have some reading and writing to get done before Monday. Good night all.

So do you have any irrational fears? Or are you as bad a patient as I am? 😮