Inside Kimmy's Mind

“Guilt burned like vomit in my throat.” -Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues

So I guess my friendship with bus dude isn’t going to work out. Yesterday, we had a conversation that did not end very nicely. I had misunderstood him completely and he did the same with me. I automatically filed him into the friend zone after our first dinner together. After said dinner, I let him know that I wasn’t looking to start anything up and we  agreed to be friends. We texted back and forth, but we only hung out once more, in person, after that and it just further proved that I wasn’t interested nor ready to date. I figured I didn’t have to reiterate because he never actually showed any real interest. But who am I kidding? When a guy asks for a chick’s number that is a sign he might be interested. I was in denial. He never told me he was interested in me as more than a friend and I just clung to the idea of a friendship. He then told me that he wasn’t sure if he was interested, but as he got to know me his  interest grew. He told me he was willing to wait. Willing to wait? WTF? Why do guys think this is romantic to say? Bus dude is the third guy to tell me this and frankly I find it annoying. Willing to wait? You don’t know how long you would have to wait and you don’t know who you will meet during that waiting period. Oh and I think my feelings should also be a factor in this equation. Life throws obstacles at you and you cannot guarantee that those obstacles won’t end up changing your mind. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean your feelings weren’t real, it just makes you human. I told him that the longer he’d wait, the more I would end up seeing him as a friend.  He then said that time was a more pleasant alternative and lets just see what happens. I translated that into, “Shhhhh. I’m not listening to you or your feelings and I figure if I wait then you will come around sooner or later.” I cannot control who I have feelings for. Those feelings just happen.

I really wish bus dude had been more upfront about his intentions and then I could have reminded him of mine. I refuse to believe that a single male and female are unable to maintain a friendship. Is that really all that impossible? Will feelings on either end always develop? I’m frustrated and I feel bad for hurting bus dude but it wasn’t as if I wasn’t honest from the beginning. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that as long as he didn’t form any expectations then he could do as he pleased. I didn’t mean to sound cold-hearted but I didn’t want any more misunderstandings to occur. And don’t give me this crap about how nice guys are always exiled to the friend zone. They are exiled there because they, A. are either too much of a pansy to speak up about their feelings or, B. a chick just really cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship with them. Forgive me for not being able to change my feelings to match his. I’m just getting more angry as I think about this. I feel horrible how this ended but I don’t think I made a mistake. I know where my feelings are and I can’t change them. Part of me thinks my life would be much easier if I didn’t have these feelings but I’m tired of feeling guilty for still having feelings for my ex. Yes, he was a dumb ass but I can’t help that I still like him. I really want to blame him for my current situation but this is all my fault. I was the one who gave bus dude my number and I shouldn’t have assumed that he was only interested in a friendship. So now I’m out a friend and I feel like a bitch. He ended with saying I’m going to go away for a bit. I translated that to be, “We are no longer friends and I don’t want to speak to you.”

This is going to make future bus rides very awkward. -.- I guess I should just ignore the opposite sex for awhile. No friendships or relationships. Just pretend men do not exist…yes I’m being dramatic. I know.

Thanks for reading.

So something strange happened on Monday. I was asked for my number. I was thrown off but talk about an ego boost. Is that a terrible thing to say? >.<

While on my way to school the bus driver decides to stop in front of Luby’s. -.- Amazed by this I turn to the person seated next to me and ask,”Is he stopping to get food?” The bus dude just laughs and shrugs. Then I say,”Ohhh potty break.” I replace my headphones in my ear, I stay plugged into my ipod while riding the bus. But then the bus dude says,”I had a driver stop every now and then to read his book.” I was ready to go back to my music never expecting the bus dude to actually speak. He then asks me what my book is about. So I tell him about my book, Mexican Enough by Stephanie Elizondo Griest. We then start talking about school and being Mexican. XD He attends TSU, but will be transferring to UH next semester. … continue reading this entry.

I’ve had a ton of drafts waiting to be finished and published on my blog. But other things just kept getting in the way. So prepare to be bombarded with random posts.

After thinking about my celebrity crushes it made me think about my real life crushes.  As a kid,  it didn’t take much for me to like a boy, What can I say? I was a sucker for anyone who watched Power Rangers and X-men.

So I have my favorite actors and musicians, here are the ones I have huge crushes on.

• Alexander Skarsgård: Eric from Trueblood!! I’ve had a huge crush on him since the second season of the show. How hot is he? I have a thing for the tall and broad shouldered. XD
• Joe Manganiello: Also from Trueblood, he plays Alcide. However, I only have a crush on him as this character. Whenever he doesn’t have a beard he isn’t as hot. And I never thought much about facial hair either. But it makes a difference on him. Now I’m not a fan of muscles. I’m really not, but damn…need I say more? (Notice how he’s the only one shirtless? I just couldn’t help myself. >.<)
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I absolutely adore him as an actor. And I love the HitRecord stuff he does, it just makes me crush on him more.

• Adrien Brody: I really do not like it when he is buff. He just looks odd. I’m more into the lanky guy who looks amazing in suspenders. Which brings me to the next crush.
• Mika: I believe he is gay, but I can’t remember if he’s ever specified. But I do not care. I love him!!! So adorable!!! >.< One of my favorite videos can be found here. *suspenders!!! Eeek!* Love it.
• Liam Neeson: He is amazing. I LOVE him. He is just so classy. I don’t care how old he gets. He just gets more attractive with age. <3

Celebrity crushes are fun. But they are just for fun. I don’t dream about dating any of them. They aren’t what I want in reality. However, Joseph is pretty close to a guy I would totally date in real life. Not just in looks but in personality. Not that I KNOW him. But from what he does outside of making movies I could totally date someone like him. Creative, inspiring and freaking adorable. How nice.  But these crushes are just fun to admire and drool over.

 Who are your celebrity crushes? Would you date them?

I don’t believe in second chances. Once you screw up that’s it. I’m not the type of girl who forgives easily. I mean I take the situation into consideration. You lost the pen you borrowed…that’s fine, you ate the last doughnut?  Forget it. You’re screwed. >o<

In all seriousness, when it comes to relationships I have to set boundaries. I know it may sound harsh but it’s just how I am. It’s been about a month since my relationship ended. I was really angry and frustrated with him for how he chose to handle things. But I’m tired of holding on to that anger and I can say that I’m not as bitter as I once was.  He contacted me the other day and told me how much he misses me and that he loved me. The pissed off side of me couldn’t help but feel happy about that. I wanted to rub it in his face and tell him, “Of course you miss me. I could have told you that you would. I’m fucking awesome!!” XD But I was more interested in keeping my cool. I had the chance to say everything I wanted to say to him that night and now I just want to move on with my life. Before our relationship ended I tried my best to show him that I was there for him but he just wasn’t able to see that. The way he handled the situation was wrong but I hope the next relationship he has he knows it’s ok to rely on someone. As cheesy as I may sound at the moment, I am very serious. I couldn’t take everything he said as the truth but again I’ve decided to just rise above it. You can’t change the past, and even though I hated how the relationship ended I am going to move forward and be happy. I hope he does the same.

It’s nice being able to sort out my feelings and I’m glad that this entry can end on a happy note. Thanks for reading. :3

I spent some extra time thinking which song I wanted to share. I finally decided on Thank You by Mozella. Enjoy. [audio:http://numb.honey-vanity.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/ThankyouMozellalyricsYouTube.mp3|titles=ThankyouMozella]

Revenge is sweet. Ok well not really revenge but closure sure is. 😀

Today I thought a lot about how weird it’s been to stop talking to someone who was a part of my life and then just isn’t anymore. I’ve been having a great summer so far. Being home has been nice, but I would be lying if I didn’t miss my Houston home. I feel as though I have two different lives and one is here and the other one is in Houston. Anyway,  on to what I really want to discuss. I was having dinner with my mom and sister and while we were in the middle of eating I get a text from an unknown number. Not unknown, just forgotten.  But I knew who it was from.  I sort of just glanced it over.

“I’m sitting at the cool kids table. Wow! I hope you are doing well.” 

To clarify, the “cool kids table” is what we called the corner table at Poison Girl Bar. Every time we went there for the Poison Pen reading series we would jokingly say how we wish we could sit at that table. My first instinct was to reply with, “I’m fantastic! Why wouldn’t I be?” But then I thought, why should I reply? Does he honestly think we are friends?  During the breakup, when I shook his hand, it was a sarcastic shake, not a let’s be friends handshake. I can’t see myself being his friend at the moment. My next thought was, yes!!! I’m in his head. He thought about me. Mwhahaha!! After I sent a few texts to friends and made a call to my sister Mija to gloat, I decided to ignore it. Why should I reply? I still have him on fb so he can see from my happy posts and pictures that I am doing great. That’s the only reason I’m allowing him to remain as a “friend”. So he can see how little this breakup has affected me. This then made me realize something. My life on the internet is pretty important to me. Not fb but my blog. It is essentially my life. I’ve been updating since 2008 and even before that. I pretty much post my blog link everywhere I go on the internet. I even discussed with him how I am a proud blogger. I would even show off the cute pictures I posted about him. And now that I’m thinking back on those moments he never showed any interest in my blog.  He never said anything about my blog so I’m assuming he never visited it. He didn’t have to comment but at least maybe read a few entries…especially since most of my posts were/are about him. I was interested in everything he said and did. His hobbies, aside from writing, weren’t exactly hobbies I cared about. Fly fishing being a big one. I don’t know anything about fishing, hunting or camping. I’m not an outdoorsy type of girl. I have a huge attachment to indoor plumbing and whatnot. But still I took an interest in finding out about all the things he liked. I asked questions and even considered going fishing with him if he was willing to teach me. But he never once acted interested in my other hobbies. And if he really wanted to know how I was doing then all he would have to do is read my blog to find out. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t thought to even check on my blog. I have my blog link under my fb info. (And if for some reason he does decide to check on my blog, calm down, it’s not as though I’m actually talking shit.) I’m merely rehashing the days events.  And most of my male bashing has been in general and I’ve pretty much kept it that way in these bitter posts. I haven’t cursed him or damned him in anyway. I even respected him by erasing his face my from blog and not mentioning his name.  A crazy girl would probably deface photos and start practicing voodoo by now. Luckily I’m pretty sane.

And to end this post- I’m thinking about getting my hair cut. My split ends have split ends. It’s horrible. So how do you handle a text from you ex? Especially if hasn’t even been that long since you broke up?

[audio:http://numb.honey-vanity.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Marathon-Tennis.mp3|titles=Marathon-Tennis] Song by Tennis, I can’t get this song out of my head. <3 Love it. Thanks for reading.

Dating is difficult. This is something we all must come to terms with. I haven’t been dating for very long but here are the types of guys I have encountered. This only rings true for me I am in no way saying all guys are like this.

The Unenthusiastic “Musician”– Not to be confused by the “serious musician”, this type of guy doesn’t see himself really as a musician. He probably started playing because it was the “cool” thing to do and saw it as an opportunity to impress people. He has no ambition to actually play in a band. He just jams with like minded dudes who wear skinny jeans and chucks and wear their hair long because it makes a statement of being a rebel. This gets old.
The Video Gamer/Anime Otaku- This one can actually be quite annoying/scary. You don’t ever want to date someone like this. Unless you are equally into anime and video games as he is or if there is a healthy balance and he isn’t obsessed with hentai.  If he is just a normal video gamer then that might be ok, but be careful because they can be tricky.
The Asexual- He is the type who doesn’t know what he wants. I mean, ok well most guys don’t know what they want but I will say this is more true for this particular breed.  He is sort of like a robot and doesn’t really understand feelings. I feel as though he just goes with the flow because he thinks it’s what he should be doing.
The Writer- He is the kind of guy who will say bizarre things in hopes of shocking you. He’s also the type who will expect you to marvel at his literary genius. He wants you to read his work and express your opinions about it…but only if it is helpful. If you’re not prepared to offer a thorough critique then don’t bother expressing it because he won’t listen to it. When it comes to writers you also have to keep in mind that it also depends on the type of writer you have. Stay away from poets and screen writers. Actually I’ve decided to stay away from writers altogether.

I think I am almost done with the “Creative” guy category. All I need is maybe a photographer or a film student…maybe even a chef? It is difficult dating an artist. But I see myself as a nerdy creative type girl and therefore require that in a guy. Pffft. We shall see what the next guy brings. Also I want to thank everyone for being so supportive in my last post, I promise I won’t keep updating such bitter posts.

I decided that since this is my blog I get to be as immature as I want to be. So here we go, this will be a long post so I understand if you just skim.

So yeah, college dating experience two has ended. Yup. -.- Over. Not even a week of being boyfriend and girlfriend and it is over. But technically we dated for about two months before using labels.  I’m not going to lie. I’m obviously mad but not necessarily because the relationship is over. I’m pissed because guys are pussies!!! I guess I should start at the beginning of the end.

… continue reading this entry.

So I’ve heard about this amazing book store called Kaboom and I’ve been wanting to check it out for a while now.

But the last time I was close to visiting it I got confused and saw that the store was closed down. I thought the store was no longer around. Turns out, they just changed locations. So I went with Jay and I went out to lunch, Potbelly, and then found Kaboom Books. I bought two books, Lust by Susan Minot and a review copy of Fruit by Brian Francis. I love review copies, because they usually say on the cover do not sell. And here I am buying it. mwhahaha 🙂 It was a lot of fun, of course I felt bad because he had just taken his French final and was extremely tired.  And then he came over and we watched Amélie. Not the best movie to get French off his mind but I love that movie. Today we went out to lunch again, he gets so excited when we find new places to eat. He had trouble deciding between hamburgers and pizza. Even though he has been craving Chinese food for awhile now. XD We shared a large pizza at Two Guy’s Pizzeria and then we walked around Rice Village. A lot of great shops around here. We went to a store called PH Design Shop, he bought some notebooks which is awesome because now I know where to buy them for future reference. I feel as though I find a typewriter everywhere I go. They are so trendy right now. How freaking cool is the one pictured below? After that we just walked around Rice Village some more. Great area. Unrealistic prices though. -.-  He wanted some coffee so we stopped at this French bakery and had some tiramisu. Really yummy. (Quick side note: Notice the robot walking on my picture? Cute huh? The artist can be found here. I just made it into a brush, I feel as though when I post group pictures it is always odd looking because of the bare corners. So I plan on adding cute drawings to the pictures. ) After that I just listened to him talk about music. He is a very fascinating person. His taste in music is just all of over the place. I love listening to him ramble on and on about anything really. Today it just happened to be about music.  And  that was my day, I always have fun with him. So I have a lot of things to look forward to after Thursday. I’m almost done with finals, I have a math final on Thursday and I cannot wait to put it behind me. And I’m introducing Jay to my parents and my younger sister this Friday. I’m super excited and can’t wait for them to meet him. After that he will officially be my boyfriend. We’ve only been dating a month but I’m ready to make it official. Then the following weekend I meet his parents and celebrate his sister Jessica’s birthday. And then we have a week of writing for the Boldface conference. And then I move back home for the summer. I’m really gonna miss being able to see him and go on dates. Hopefully he can visit now and then. Plus he suggested we send each other letters. How freaking adorable is that? And then come June it’s back to school with me. Yup I’m taking summer courses. -.- Ok well I have no idea why I stayed up this late. I am crazy. I’m off to sleep the day away. >.<

Song of the day Cheek to Cheek by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong [audio:http://numb.honey-vanity.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/CheekToCheek-EllaFitzgeraldLouis.mp3|titles=CheekToCheek-EllaFitzgeraldLouis]

So what are you looking forward to? Finals being over? Summer? A party? Let me know. 😀

So I’ve met one of his sisters. One down and two to go and then of course there is his mom and dad to win over.

I hope they like me. I mean there is nothing worse than having your family hate the person you are dating. I can’t wait to introduce him to my parents. I think they will really like him. All in due time. I know I’ve been on cloud 9 recently because of him. And I’m trying to keep my head on straight. I still have a life that doesn’t have to revolve around him. Even though I want to talk to him and see him all the time. I realize that is a dangerous feeling to have. But I’ve been really happy since I’ve starting seeing him. Not that I was unhappy before. Because I wasn’t, its just now I wake up with a huge smile on my face. Also he’s actually been a motivation to get my homework done faster as well. So that is always nice. And whenever I’m around him, he makes me want to journal more. I want to work on writing more stories for things like TFL and Boldface. >.< Anyway so last Saturday, I volunteered at the Houston Indie Bookfest. It was a lot of fun, I stood behind the CLMP table. In the beginning  I was unsure and timid. I had no clue as to what they wanted me to do but luckily there was another volunteer at the table to assist me. But once he left I had to step  it up. By the end of my second shift I was charismatic and a terrific sales person. I greeted passersby and helped in anyway I could. I even started asking if they were writers and what genre was their forte. It was pretty fun, I really love the indie fest. It reminds how much I love the writing community. After my shift ended, I had lunch with Jay, his sister and her boyfriend. We met at the Hobbit Cafe. It was fun, his sister seemed really shy and didn’t talk much. But I’m hoping she opens up more as she gets to know me. But it was really fun and I was happy to meet one of his family members. Especially since the night before he had met one of my sisters. After we went to lunch with his sister we headed to the park. We just walked around and then sat on a bench and talked and enjoyed the day. Then we headed to Berripop where we shared a cup of frozen yogurt. And then we walked down University street and visited Urban Outfitters and Half Price Books. He then asked me if I wanted a book or anything, I always feel awkward when someone offers to buy me something. I don’t know why but I just feel weird. I’m not talking birthday gifts or Holiday gifts, but those this-made-me-think-of-you gifts. They are great but I won’t ask for anything. We saw the Tiny Book of Tiny Stories and he offered while I politely declined. Come Monday he went back and bought it for me. Great first gift if I do say so myself. He’s so adorable. Also his mom made me blueberry cookies and they were delicious. We’ve already made plans in May to meet each others parents. He meets mine May 11th and I’ll meet his May 19th. I’m excited but extremely nervous, I hope everyone likes everyone. XD

 Another thing I would like to share with you is…drum roll please…I finally got my braces off. And it is so weird. I have to wear a retainer and it is the most annoying thing. My gums are pretty sore and I think I went a little floss happy and irritated them a bit. Now they are just angry. :/ But I am happy  that I finally got them off, of course I am gonna kind of miss having the different colors and sharing this experience with my younger sister. We both had braces and now that I don’t she jokingly says we aren’t brace face buddies anymore.  She’s funny. I find smiling very awkward. As you can see in the picture on the left. I have an awkward smile. But in my defense my cheeks and gums were already hurting and tired. I’ll get used to smiling just like I’ll get use to this blasted retainer. >.< And then after that all I have to do is go to the dentist so they can fix my front tooth and whiten the hell out of them. Do not be fooled by the picture. My teeth are not white. They only reason the picture depicts that is because of the sunny room and picture effect on instagram. My username for instagram is Kimmyjupiter if you’re interested in knowing that.

 Okay well I’ve stayed up long enough. But let me end by asking you this…do you find smiling awkward or difficult when taking pictures? Because my entire face just tenses up and just looks horrible.